for the stage
Doctor Warren
by: Orville McCarter
SUMDUMB PHUCK enters. HE listens. He cleans up dog shit. HE listens.
SUM
Doctor Warren?! Doctor Warren!? Doctor! Doctor Warren?! (HE
BEGINS CRYING) Doctor Warren. Doctor....Warren. Doctor Warren,
Doctor Warren, Doctor Warren, Doctor Warren, Doctor Warren, Doctor
Warren.
A TELEPHONE. HE DIALS A NUMBER.
Doctor Warren? Doctor Warren, Doctor Warren! Doctor Warren!?
Doctor?
INSERTS COINS.
Doctor Warren?
INSERTS COINS AND DIALS.
Doctor Warren?
INSERTS CHANGE AND DIALS.
Doctor Warren?! Doctor, Doctor Warren.
WRITES.
Doctor Warren? Hmmmmm, Doctor Warren. Doctor Doctor Warren.
HE WALKS AND PLAYS AIR BASKETBALL.
Doctor Warren. Doctor Warren. Doctor Warren...etc.
VOICE
Doctor Warren.
SUM
Doctor Warren? (WHISPERS) Doctor Warren?
HE WALKS.
Doctor Warren?!
HE SITS AT A TABLE. A WAITRESS HANDS HIM A MENU.
WAITRESS
The Expidition
SUM
Doctor Warren.
SHE EXITS HE READS
SUM
New nector, newer dew,
Tone caw; terror dote.
Toward crowd, carrot woo;
Raw trend.
Cart coat, wade coot.
Water woe, wart roe.
Tend one dower tea.
Tow error. Done warn.
Tow dot end tread.
Den date, code, dent.
Ten cat coo to do too.
Narrow, nor, root wear red.
Wand down. Wonder wander.
Row Oar, Rend Door
Tow trowl crew eon.
Towel cow core
Coard Newt Ton.
Town Draw
Drawer
Drew.
Rat want, tan toon
Doctor War Rent
Doctor War Rend
Doctor War Wren
O’ oo arrow,
Tower done tar.
WAITRESS
Warren. Doctor Warren. (SHE EXITS)
A JUKEBOX KICKS IN.
SUM
(HE SINGS/RAPS) Doctor Warren Doctor Warren. Doctorrrrrrrrrrr
Warrrrrrrrrren. Doooooooooctooooooor Warrrrrrrrrrennnnnnnnn. Doctor
Warren Doctor Warren. Doc. Da-da-doc. Di-di-di-doc, di-di-doc, da-da-
doc. Oc-oc-oc-octor. Warrrren. (REPEATS TWICE)
SHE COMES BACK WITH HIS ORDER
WAITRESS
Doctor Warren. Doctor, Doctor Warren. Warren and Doctor Warren.
SUM
Doctor Warren.
THEY SING A FRIENDLY DUET, APART.
SUM AND WAITRESS
Crr Water C Door
Do Ctor War Ren
Doct Orwa Rre N
D Octo Rwar Ren
D Octor Warre N
Doctorwar Re N
D Octorwa Rren
D Octorwa Rren
Doctorwar Re N
D Octor Warre N
D Octo Rwar Ren
Doct Orwa Rre N
Do Ctor War Ren
Crr Water C Door.
WAITRESS
What? Him? He's a regular. Comes here all the time. Good tipper too. (
SHE EXITS
HE EATS AND A PERCUSSION SOLO WITH EVERYTHING. WAITRESS ENTERS.
WHILE HE PAYS AND TIPS, THEY DANCE. WAITRESS EXITS DANCING. SUM
DONS A PITH HELMET.
LORD SUM
Doctor Warren!! Doctor Warren!!! (INDIGNANT) Doctor Warren!? Doctor
Warren?! Hmmm... Doctor Warren?! (HE TOSSES MONEY ABOUT.)
Doctor Warren, doctor warren doctor warren, Doctor Warren, doctor
warren, doctor warren. (MARCHES INSTEP) Hup who hree whore. Hup
who hree whore. Doctor Warren. Doctor Warren. Hup who Doctor
Warren. Hup who hree Warren....etc. (THROWS OFF PITH HELMET AND
COLLECTS BACK THE MONEY) Oh no, doctor warren, doctor warren....
doctor warren. Why? Doctor Warren, Doctor Warren, Doctor Warren...
etc.
SUM
(RUEFUL) Doctor Warren.
HE WALKS UNTIL HE COMES TO A DERBY AND CANE. HE SINGS AND DANCES
WITH HIS SHADOW.
SUM
Doctor, Doctor Warren. Warren, Doctor Warren. Doctor Warren Warren.
Doctor Warren Warren. Warren warren warren. Doctor, Doctor Warren.
Doctor,
doctor Doctor Warren. Warren, Doctor Warren. Doctor Warren Warren.
Doctor Warren Warren. Warren warren warren....warren. (WANING HIS
WAY OUT OF SONG, HE TOSSES HAT AND CANE. WALKS.)Doctor
Warren?! Doctor Warren?! Doctor? Doctor Warren?! (HE COMES
UNDONE, CLAWING AT HIS CLOTHES SHOOING THINGS AWAY. HE IS
IN AGONY.) Doctor! Doctor! Doctor doctor doctor doctor! Doctor Warren
Doctor Warren Doctor Warren...etc. (CORNERED, HE CRUMBLES
DEFEATED.) Doctor warren....doctor warren....doctor warren...
SILENCE. A NOISE IS HEARD. CAT LIKE HE RETURNS.
SUM
Doctor Warren? (COMPOSING HIMSELF, HE STANDS UP AND
LISTENS.) Doctor? Doctor Warren?
THE SHUFFLING NOISE IS HEARD AGAIN.
SUM
Doctor Warren?
VOICE OFFSTAGE
Uhmmmmmmm. (THE SHUFFLING OCCURS AGAIN.)
SUM AND SHOWDOWS
THEY SING A THREE PART ROUND. FIRST STANZA BACKWARDS, SECOND
STANZA FORWARDS, THIRD STANZA TOGETHER
Ner/raw rot/cod. Err/awr otc/odn
Rra/wro tco/dne. Raw/rot cod/ner
Awr/otc odn/err. Wro/tco dne/rra
Rot/cod ner/raw. Otc/odn err/awr
Tco/dne rrawrr. Cod/ner raw/rot
Odn/err awr/oto. Dne/rra wro/tco
Nerraw Rotcod
Doc/tor war/ren. Oct/orw arr/end.
Cto/rwa ren/ndo. Tor/war ren/doc.
Orw/arr end/doc. Rwa/rre ndo/cto.
War/ren doc/tor. Arr/end oct/orw
Rre/ndo cto/rwa. Ren/doc tor/war.
End/oct orw/arr. Ndo/cto rwa/rre.
Doc/tor Warren.
REPEAT TOGETHER..
Doctor Warren! Doctor Warren. Doctor Warren doctor warren doctor
warren. (HE LISTENS) Doctor Warren? Doctor Warren?
VOICE OFFSTAGE
Mmmmmmm.
SUM
Doctor Warren? Doctor? Doctor Warren? (HE HURRIES AFTER
NOISES. CHAISEING IT. Doctor Warren. Doctor Warren. Doctor
Warren...etc.
SILENCE. A SINGLE LIGHT. HE RETURNS INTO THE LIGHT. HE SNIFFS THE
AIR AND LISTENS.
SUM
Doctor Warren.
End
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
The Falling Man
by: Orville McCarter
Help. I’m fallen and can’t get up. Jesus Christ, you asshole, nobody's ever
going to help. You know why? The line’s ruined for the next twenty billion
years. So it don’t matter how I say it, nobody’s lending any hands of help. It’
s Kitty Genovese syndrome. Nobody helped her either.
Help. I’ve fallen down. How else to describe what’s happening? Help, I’ve
dried up and I need hydrating!? Help, I’m deflated, blow me! Help, I don’t
succeed! I flunk being .... There, that make us happy? I reinvent so ears can’
t be pained by redundancy and clichés. Why should anyone have to depend
on any of you? Most creatures can’t forgive nobody of nothing. It’s easier to
concentrate on one’s own ownness. Only schmucks think the world has
paradise of any kind. Yo, it’s true. Most creatures are assholes who wouldn’
t appreciate anything to begin with.
What do you expect me to talk about? One should stand here smearing dog
food on while masturbating and singing “The Star Spangled Banner”? Is
that what we’ve come to expect from theatre? There are demons all
around. This ladder has one inside it. Believers be warned. Loss of the
anything is not some tale of dog shit or it’s relevance to society. Dog shit
can be forgiven. You scrape it off on the grass or hose out the treads in a
puddle. I have always considered myself as dog shit, then I found out I had
Irish in me. To some of you, that just seals the deal. This here then is my
thing. Can't deal with that? See the door? Here’s the chance to look upon
me no more.
(HE climbs a ladder)
Now I got to start over. Thanks for nothing.
(HE falls.)
Help. I got born and can’t go back. Forgive me. Waaaaaaaa. Birth is the
first sin, not sex. Birth is an error. Like any other VD, it can only be caught
through the having of sex. And then, one gets born to the wrong carriers.
Someding upstairs zumtimes makes an error. Errors are only natural. Shit
happens. Everyone accepts that slogan. Some poor num-nuts gets stuck
with someone other num-nut’s problems. SNAFU, the sex bug got nee of a
North Carolinian bullshit Baptist, ha ha ha, father, ho ho ho ,and a
scrambled second generation Hungarian Jew woman from around the
shipyards area under the bridge areaite mother. It’s a pythie mixture that
doesn't give much room to improve on or under.
The Falling Man Continued
by: Orville McCarter
Help. I’m fallen and can’t get up. Jesus Christ, you asshole, nobody's ever
going to help. You know why? The line’s ruined for the next twenty billion
years. So it don’t matter how I say it, nobody’s lending any hands of help. It’
s Kitty Genovese syndrome. Nobody helped her either.
Help. I’ve fallen down. How else to describe what’s happening? Help, I’ve
dried up and I need hydrating!? Help, I’m deflated, blow me! Help, I don’t
succeed! I flunk being .... There, that make us happy? I reinvent so ears can’
t be pained by redundancy and clichés. Why should anyone have to depend
on any of you? Most creatures can’t forgive nobody of nothing. It’s easier to
concentrate on one’s own ownness. Only schmucks think the world has
paradise of any kind. Yo, it’s true. Most creatures are assholes who wouldn’
t appreciate anything to begin with.
What do you expect me to talk about? One should stand here smearing dog
food on while masturbating and singing “The Star Spangled Banner”? Is
that what we’ve come to expect from theatre? There are demons all
around. This ladder has one inside it. Believers be warned. Loss of the
anything is not some tale of dog shit or it’s relevance to society. Dog shit
can be forgiven. You scrape it off on the grass or hose out the treads in a
puddle. I have always considered myself as dog shit, then I found out I had
Irish in me. To some of you, that just seals the deal. This here then is my
thing. Can't deal with that? See the door? Here’s the chance to look upon
me no more.
(HE climbs a ladder)
Now I got to start over. Thanks for nothing.
(HE falls.)
Help. I got born and can’t go back. Forgive me. Waaaaaaaa. Birth is the
first sin, not sex. Birth is an error. Like any other VD, it can only be caught
through the having of sex. And then, one gets born to the wrong carriers.
Someding upstairs zumtimes makes an error. Errors are only natural. Shit
happens. Everyone accepts that slogan. Some poor num-nuts gets stuck
with someone other num-nut’s problems. SNAFU, the sex bug got nee of a
North Carolinian bullshit Baptist, ha ha ha, father, ho ho ho ,and a
scrambled second generation Hungarian Jew woman from around the
shipyards area under the bridge areaite mother. It’s a pythie mixture that
doesn't give much room to improve on or under.
The Falling Man Continued
Anything you particularly liked?
Hated? Give us your feedback!
Hated? Give us your feedback!